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As I have grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible. But pissing everyone off is piece of cake.

Just because I don’t have a girlfriend, doesn’t mean I’m alone, I have food and internet.

When I'm a Pedestrian I Hate cars... When I'm Driving I Hate Pedestrians.

I live in a world of fantasy, so keep your reality away from me!

Sometimes I need 2 shots of tequila, to know what I feel. Because sometimes I don’t understand myself.

Just went to the gym and worked on every body part. Four people slapped me.

Sure, I do marathons. On Netflix.

I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell-you see, I have friends in both places.

Why Fall in Love ❤ when you can fall asleep?

Remember these two things: play hard and have fun.

All my life I thought the air was free...until I bought a bag of chips

Mom: Why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity!

Mom: why is everything on the floor? Me: Gravity!

Today is good day for cake.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

My pillow is angry with me because I am just not joining it in bed.

We are all Romeos looking for our Juliet, but never finding her.

Remember that happiness is a way of travel – not a destination.

Friends are forever until they get in a relationship!! :P

If I was funny, I would have a good Instagram caption.