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I don’t always study, but when I do, I don’t

Life is too short for bad vibes

Keep smiling because life is a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

If a redhead works at a bakery, does that make him a gingerbread man?

I don’t care what people think of me. Mosquitos find me attractive.

Today is one of those days when my coffee needs a coffee.

Life is too short to skip dessert.

Maybe she’s born with it...maybe it’s an Instagram filter.

Live, laugh, and love. If that doesn’t work, load and aim fire.

I’m on a diet. Fifteen minutes later – wipes off an entire cookie jar.

For me being in math class is like watching a foreign language movie without any subtitles.

If I have to clean my house before you come over, then we’re not real friends.

This by far your most fucked up idea ever… I’ll be there in 10 minutes.

Thanks for posting another selfie on Facebook. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.

I haven’t changed. I grew up. Maybe you should give it a try sometime.

I’m really not cranky. I just have a violent reaction when I meet stupid people.

Comedy is acting out optimism.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.