Ambrose Bierce Quotes That Are satirical, cynical and witty

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need.

Diplomacy: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

Learning:The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.

Beauty: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

War: A by-product of the arts of peace.

Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

Marriage, n: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.

Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.