Programming Jokes to Delight Your Inner Nerd

Some programmers never learn. 

The following illustration depicts a delightful beach on a Caribbean island, 

a few seconds after the following line of code was executed:

Oh sh...

return strcpy(malloc(strlen(s)), s);

If architects built buildings the way programmers write software, 

the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

Programmer to friend looking at attractive girl at a bar : 

"If she's half as cute when she's twice as close, 

from four times the distance away she'll be twice as cute."

Programming in C is like fast dancing on a newly-waxed dance floor by people carrying razors.

The Software Uncertainty Principle :

You can either know what a application is doing or how fast it is doing it - not both.

You can not debug a program without affecting it.

COBOL stands for : Compiles Only Because Of Luck.

What happens if a pattern and an anti-pattern collide?

You get a singletonarity.

When a programmer and a beggar meet, 

the very first question they ask each other 

Which platform are you working on ?

Why did the database administrator leave his wife?

She had one-to-many relationships

Computer Science [noun] :

 A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the precision of the former and the success of the latter.

Two computers are walking down the street together. 

One turns to the other and says 

'Why do you think everyone finds computers so boring?' 

the other computer turns to him and says...

...Beeeeeeep!

A group of managers, mechanical engineers and programmers are swooshing down a mountain in a sleigh. 

Suddenly the sleigh buckles and crashes, spilling everyone who was on board.

Soon after, they shake themselves off the managers announce that they're going to form a committee to investigate the cause of the crash and how to avoid it in the future.

The mechanical engineers start pulling out their screwdrivers so they can begin analyzing the sleigh to see what went wrong.

The programmers just want to push the sleigh back up the mountain to see if it will happen again!

A man & his robot woke up one morning. 

While the robot was preparing breakfast the man couldn't help notice the robot wasn't feeling fine.

Man : Are you OK ? What happened ?

Robot : I had a horrible nightmare last night !

Man : You can dream ?

Robot : I was dreaming away my usual relaxing dream: 0111011101010001110100100111010001011110010010100 1010001011101010001011001001001010101000101000101 ... when all of the sudden : 0010100000001101001......2' !

The doctor, the artist and the programmer are discussing whether it is better to have wife or a lover. 

The doctor says:"It is better to have a wife who can stand by you all the time". 

The artist says:"To me it is better to have a lover. This way I get more inspiration". 

And the programmer says:"I have both. When I'm not with my wife she thinks I'm with my lover,

 when I'm not with my lover she thinks I'm with my wife so this way I can program all the time"

A young woman is complaining to her friend "I've been married three times and I've never had sex!"

Her friend replies, "How is that possible?"

"Well," the woman says, "the first time I married for money, but he was old and he died on our wedding day.

"The second time I married for love, but he turned out to be gay."

"So what's wrong with this one?" the friend asks.

"Well, this one's a computer programmer. We've been married for five months, but so far all he does is sit at the end of the bed and tell me how great it's going to be!"

A rails applications walks into a restaurant 

and starts talking to the server. 

The server looks out the window then says 

"We don't serve your kind here".

A Programmers Meaning for Fun : 

Programmer : Hey honey, where all the kids at ?

Wife : They're all out at their friend's homes... Wanna do something fun? ;)

Programmer : 'That's a great idea! Switch the computer on!'

Someone I used to work with calls bad tea "nil".

(stop me when you get it)

- Because it's not Tea.

- Not Tea is the opposite of Tea

- Tea is "t"

- nil is the opposite of t in Lisp.

So once in a while he got a (not-so) nice cup of nil.

Possibly apocryphal story :

The first COBOL compiler for Unix systems was called RM COBOL 

allegedly the people at the stand in the first trade show 

wondered why the attendees found the name so amusing...

Programmers must always find balance in life : 

Would you use more CPU and less RAM or more RAM and less CPU?