Humorous Jokes, Humour Quotes, Funny Text Messages And Sms

English man: How could you marry a Woman before knowing her?.

Indian man: How could you marry a Woman after knowing her?.

Pappu was listening to music in the class.

Teacher: Pay attention.

Pappu: I am paying attention, sir.

Teacher: Really? What is the last thing I said?.

Pappu: The last thing you said is, "Pay Attention"!.

Interviews these days:

Interviewer: Character certificate?.

Candidate: Sorry sir I forgot, but you can check my mobile gallery instead!.

Guy1: Bro, I like a girl. How should I approach her?

Guy2: First, find out what does she like. Get her that. It should make a good impression.

Guy1: She likes another guy!.

Q: What's the difference between a candle and a curry?

A: A candle only burns at one end!

Interviewer: Can you tell me a little about yourself?

Me: Yes.

Interviewer: Can you elaborate?

Me: It's probably best if I don't.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name!.

A man was talking to his friend at the bar. He confided in him that strange things were happening at his home. When he opened his bathroom door the lights came on automatically and when he shut it they went off. He was worried that there was some paranormal activity in his home. His wife walked in and overheard him. She burst out laughing and told him that he was peeing in the fridge..!

Yesterday at a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

Interviewer: "Nervous?"

Me: "No, I always give 110%"!

Interviewer: Congratulations, you are selected for the job. Your 1st-year salary will be 6 lakh/year & next year it will be 10 lakh/year.

Candidate: Thank you, I'll join next year.

Teacher: Pappu what's the outside of a tree called?

Pappu: I don't know Miss.

Teacher: Bark Pappu, Bark!.

Pappu: Woof... Woof!.

Interviewer: We are looking for a candidate who got experience in speaking to an audience.

Me: I used to chat with my ex knowing that she sends screenshots of my texts to her girls' group.

Interviewer: Let's talk salary!.

Son: Dad, what's an alcoholic?

Dad: Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight.

Son: But Dad, I only see two!.

A lady went to the doctor for her yearly physical exam. The nurse started with certain basics.

Nurse: How much do you weigh?

Lady: 135. 

The nurse checked on the scale. It was 180.

Nurse: Your height?

Lady: 5 feet 4 inches.

The nurse checked and said it's 5 feet and 2 inches. The nurse then checked the lady's blood pressure and told it is very high.

Lady: Of course, it's high. When I came here I was tall and slender. Now I'm short and fat.

Girl: Dad, I'm in love... It's love at second sight.

Dad: What is love at second sight?

Girl: When I first saw him, he was buying Manikchand Gutkha & when I saw him again, he was spitting it out of his Lamborghini!.

Genie: I shall grant you three wishes.

Man: I wish for a world without lawyers.

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes.

Man: But you said three.

Genie: Sue me!.

Man: Guruji, how do I learn about my mistakes?.

Guru: Identify one mistake in your wife and tell her to correct it. In response, she will help identify all your mistakes along with your family's and your friends' as well.

Friend1: What Are Your Strengths and Weaknesses?.

Friend2: My wife is my strength. All the other women are my weakness.

Q: Why are robots never afraid?.

A: Because they have nerves of steel.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?.

Me: Look buddy, I'm just trying to make it to next weekend only.